[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
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I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
#Caturday
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?