I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
You Might Also Like
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse