[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
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Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
🤣🤣
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.