[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
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Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?