Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
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What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables