Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
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there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.