Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.