Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.