@markleggett: Despite hating tomatoes, I was a tomato in a school play. I put my personal beliefs aside and nailed the role because I was a professional.
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@RocketRankoon: This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
@teacup_giraffe: Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say "What's up, Chad?" & he'll be all "Whoa... How'd you know my name, bro?"
@RadBadger: Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
@thenatewolf: I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.