@markleggett: Despite hating tomatoes, I was a tomato in a school play. I put my personal beliefs aside and nailed the role because I was a professional.
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@ArfMeasures: Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery Cop: Why you are telling me, you're not even a witness Me: Oh dude I'm telling everyone
@Parkerlawyer: My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill. This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
@JermHimselfish: The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren't fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth