@RidiculousSheri: Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
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@Jake_Vig: POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP! ME: My parents never loved me. POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR! ME: That makes way more sense.
@AmishPornStar1: Woah!!! You're a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
@KalvinMacleod: [dinner party] GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia? ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
@IAmKatieOrr: "Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."