Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
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When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?