Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
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Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
giddy up Office Depot