“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
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Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Every. Damn. Time.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck