@pmclellan: Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I'm pretty sure I'm going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
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@dumbbeezie: Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas
@naughtywriter2: At my funeral - The pastor: "She was truly an angel that fell from heaven" My ex, whispering to my other ex: "So was Lucifer!"
@KarlreMarks: The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
@slackmistress: Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk.