Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
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When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer