*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
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I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Alexa: *deep breath*
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Canada has crack?
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok