DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
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What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.