Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal