Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
You Might Also Like
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door