detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
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roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
This kid will have a bright future.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.