My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord