Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@_ElvishPresley_: detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
1 comments

COMMENTS

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE

@T_Bonezzz_: "Put your pants on grandma, you're scaring the reptiles!" - Me, camping

158

@SaltyCorpse: My dog: I can't get her up. My Other dog: Did you lick her face? My dog: Yeah, no dice. My other dog: Did you run to the door and back? My dog: Yes. Sheesh. My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she's up, peasants.

1

@DanMentos: me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen wife: you're ruining thanksgiving

1

@nbadag: 10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score! ME: y'know they're just numbers on a screen right? they don't mean anything [checks follower count]

1

@Donna_McCoy: Inventor of the toaster: How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

1
↑