detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife