Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
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All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.