Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Finally!
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.