[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
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My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
The news
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.