Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
You Might Also Like
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.