Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
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“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..