(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
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First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
this is me
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*