DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
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Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit