I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
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Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
good morning
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
“TGIM!” – My liver
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good