*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter