“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
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*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.