Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
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Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut