@badsandwich: Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
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@david8hughes: If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one.
@ThisOneSayz: Auto correct changed "absence" to "absinthe" and now my kid's school won't let me be on the PTA.
@TheTweetOfGod: Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.
@leshnevsky: How to make a woman crazy in two steps: 1. Take a picture of her 2. Don't show her the picture