@badsandwich: Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
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@dammit_emma: officer, buying weed from a guy who sells on the side is basically shopping local. you should be THANKING me for supporting our community.
@Midgetspar: Just built a kite that'll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
@UncleDuke1969: "Daddy, are vampires real?" "No, sweetie. Go back to bed." *waits until daughter is asleep* *grabs red Sharpie* *draws 2 dots on her neck*