Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
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The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
It be like that sometimes 😆