Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks