[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
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My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I’m giving up ice.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Jurassic park gets weird
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?