Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
You Might Also Like
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Name this drama.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Cause of death: Zumba
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy