{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
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fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
🤣🤣
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist