@summerofbenny: Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
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@JasonLastname: First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I'll do in the air.
@bigTman001: Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir? Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?
@MartaEffing: *sees person I know in a crowd* *waves enthusiastically* * realizes I don't know person* * changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*