@summerofbenny: Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
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@SincerelyMen: If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter
@WilliamAder: I know we're not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: You only half-listen to me. You're in a boatload of trouble. Me: Yes, let's buy a boat.
@thenoahkinsey: *therapist writes in pad* Me: Sometimes I feel like people don't notice me- *therapist jumps* Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?