@Brianhopecomedy: Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that's not a good tweet but I'm getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.
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@SwedishCanary: I've requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
@PantsDonkey: Everyone please stop saying that today's date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that's how time works.
@TheTweetOfGod: Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren't both opposed to it.
@david8hughes: "The toilet's blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-" [Bowser spits coffee] "Which plumber?"