@Brianhopecomedy: Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that's not a good tweet but I'm getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.
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@jordan_stratton: I don't know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
@Marlebean: P: ... M: ... P: Coal? M: I was trying to make a diamond. Proctologist: But that's not how... Me: I'm very uptight.
@ruinedpicnic: me: [spends $20 on a parody MAGA hat with a subtle change] anyone more than five feet away: oh look that person is a trump supporter
@fro_vo: Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth Wife: i see you learned a new word Me: i obfuscately did Wife: Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
@omgthatspunny: If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.
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