u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
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me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
<—- homeless romantic
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?