“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
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I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
thinking about a very short hotdog
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor