[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
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Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I cannot call her anything else now
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
How to woo a woman
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Not yet
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Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.