“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
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my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
This squirrel eats better than I do
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”