“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
You Might Also Like
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again