Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
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I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Squirrels before girls.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
saving face 👀
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel