Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
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Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
“Sheer Arrogance”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.