Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
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I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks