the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
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Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.