@jasonmustian: "Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
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@IamTMoS: I asked mom once how she knew dad was "the one". "because," she replied, "DNA tests don't lie."
@_davidlucas_: If your human doesn't feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up. ~Cats, apparently.
@canadian_jane: I respect strippers because its really hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.
@flashember: [to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey W: but- PLS JUST DO IT *ends phonecall* BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good