“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
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[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*