@jasonmustian: "Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
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@dreamthievin: A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
@laurenreeves: My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would've stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"
@stockejock: When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it's never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.